Recently, I haven't been in a good mood for the past week, so I plan to go out and take a walk this weekend to change my mood and environment, and to think about why I've been blocked recently and unable to sleep well.
Originally, I rented a car and planned to drive to Lianyungang. But because I couldn't sleep all night for the whole week, I'm afraid that I might fall asleep while driving. It just so happened that the subway in Suzhou and Shanghai started operating, so while I'm still living in Jiading, I decided to take the subway to Suzhou and take a look around.
That's how I ended up finishing this book in one go at the coffee shop. But it was also after finishing this book that I found a sense of tranquility in my heart.
(But the story itself is quite cliché, more like a daily story of the protagonist, and many people may not buy into it.)
At first, when I saw Guizi resigning because of workplace PUA and sleeping in the bookstore every day, it reminded me of my current state in Volvo. I put in a lot of effort and did everything I could in my previous job, but the results didn't improve. Instead, every time I asked a question, my boss would PUA me. What made me the most sad was that this was my first job after graduation, and this boss was the one I considered to be my guide in the internet industry when I first joined. (At first, I was very fortunate to have a decent startup company willing to accept a backend engineer who had only studied Java for three months. Later, I was given many opportunities for growth.) Now, although in the last period of time before leaving the company, I complained every day about the management's incompetence and foolish decisions, it still doesn't stop me from thinking that many of the values inside are worth maintaining and learning: maintaining and adhering to a product mindset in a product department, and the spirit of synchronizing and sharing documents and information with colleagues (which I haven't felt at all in Volvo, maybe because of the nature of my position).
Now, I have left the internet environment I used to be in and jumped to a foreign car company, and because it is an emerging department, both the business requirements and the company's underlying support are particularly poor. Therefore, I spend every day with nothing to do, but I still need to constantly create demands for myself.
Also, I moved to the suburbs for the convenience of commuting. So every day after work, the first thing I do is cook, the second thing is to take a nap, and then I continue to do my own things around 8 or 9 o'clock.
Every day is a blur, without any thinking or soul. It's just like when I first graduated from college and worked as a factory worker at Infineon in Wuxi.
In comparison, Guizi is much luckier. She found something she likes in the old bookstore. She also met and made friends with many people on the street. There's Sanlang, who does nothing all day and is like a rent collector in Shanghai, the young lady who works at the coffee shop, and the autistic child in the coffee shop kitchen (when I first saw the name of the coffee shop, "Sibor," I suddenly thought that I might use this name for my next cat, if I ever have one).
Of course, the most heartbreaking character is Taotzi's aunt.
I always feel that my mood is similar to Taotzi's aunt. I'm someone who can be cheerful in front of everyone, but when I'm alone, I really want to escape from it all. To some extent, I don't want my current negative emotions and negative situations to affect others (for example, when I was looking for a job after leaving my previous job, I felt that I shouldn't establish any romantic relationships with anyone because it would be more of a burden for them than a source of happiness).
I have faced scenes that are not cancer, but are equally despairing. Every time, like Taotzi's aunt, I chose to leave without saying goodbye. But every time I return to the place I once escaped from, I have the same feeling as described in the original text:
When I looked closely, the streets of Tokyo in the far distance were as small as beans. Although I knew that I would still live in these beans tomorrow, at this moment, this place didn't feel real at all. There was even a feeling that it would be nice to just live here.
Contrary to this, it's not because I have forgotten or let go of the things that used to make me want to escape. It's because I have gained the strength to fight against the difficulties that I once thought were insurmountable, and I am better able to face and control my own inner self. Years later, looking back from an outsider's perspective, I can imagine myself at that time. I am very fortunate that every time I look back, I know clearly that even though I know the consequences of making certain decisions, I would still make the exact same choices without any regrets. Because it is these choices that have shaped who I am now, and it is these choices that have given me my current state of mind, thoughts, and reflections. The only difference is that I won't get as carried away as before, and I will be more restrained.
So, if I were to encounter the same despairing problems in the future, what would I do? Would I still run away? I think my initial reaction would definitely be to run away. But because of the passage of time and changes in my social role, each escape becomes less easy and low-cost. At the same time, because I have taken on heavier responsibilities, there are more problems that I cannot avoid. So now, I don't know how I would choose when faced with real difficulties. But I hope that before I truly encounter difficulties,
- I can do my best to prepare;
- I can find someone I can rely on;
- That person can also bear my anxieties.
All of this seems very uncertain, so if I really encounter such a moment, we can all face the difficulties together. I think I wouldn't mind, after all, everyone should do things in a way that is in line with their nature, so that they can live more easily and simply.
Going back to when I saw the news of Taotzi's aunt's death and was flipping through the old account book, I found a letter. At that moment, I really cried. In many moments, in countless pages of my diary, I have recorded many similar wishes, but every time the content is more or less the same.
I know that my birth has brought a lot of joy to many people, and my departure is destined to bring indelible pain to the people closest to me. Just like when I heard in college that my childhood friend committed suicide by jumping off a building due to depression and couldn't be saved, I deeply realized that a person's existence is not solely for oneself. It is more because we exist in this society, and we don't want to bring sadness to others after we have found liberation. It's like a law of conservation of sadness, your sadness won't disappear with your disappearance. It will transfer and sprout in the people closest to you, bloom, and bear the fruit of sadness. This fruit may even lead to another tragedy. This concept became even more profound to me after I experienced an accident myself.
So I hope that if I were to write a letter in the future, its content wouldn't change much.
When you read my final words, I hope you can be happy and continue living your life as usual. Your lives won't come to a halt because of my departure. It should be easier for everyone without the trouble I bring.
I also hope that the love and laughter I bring to this world will be more than the sadness and pain.
The things that need to be done should continue to be done, and there shouldn't be any excuses not to do them because of me.
I've been rambling for a long time. Take care, good night everyone.